Don’t Make Them Unlearn Their Shine!

Feb 22
4 min read

Inspired by a K-Pop anthem, a three-year-old, and the kind of leadership our schools need.

Dr. Andy Szeto’s reflection on “Golden” reframed the song for me — not as a pop anthem, but as a call to leadership rooted in visibility, solidarity, and integrity. And this surprising leadership lesson has been playing on repeat in my house lately.

It’s the song “Golden,” the breakout single from the Netflix film K-Pop Demon Hunters.

My three-year-old daughter is obsessed.

It plays in the kitchen while we make dinner. In the car on the way to preschool. In our living room before bedtime. And every single time, she belts it out with full conviction:

“I’m shining like I’m born to be.”

No hesitation.

No self-consciousness.

No performance anxiety.

Just pure, embodied belief.

At first, it was just adorable. But then I read a reflection on the song that shifted something for me. What felt like a catchy anthem in my living room became something deeper — a mirror.

Because the truth is, most of us weren’t always that certain.

The Slow Unlearning

I can think back to an earlier version of myself — competent, hardworking, but cautious. Agreeable. Waiting for permission. Careful not to disrupt. Careful not to stand too visibly.

Leadership, over time, has meant unlearning that instinct.

It has meant speaking up for students when systems feel easier to protect than children. Naming inequities even when doing so complicates conversations. Holding firm to values when it would be simpler to comply. Choosing conviction over comfort.

And that process — that shift from compliance to courage — is not something most adults pick up naturally. It’s something we often have to reclaim.

Which raises a hard question:

Why did we lose it in the first place?

Schools and the Shine Problem

Spend enough time in education and you begin to notice a pattern.

Kindergartners raise their hands eagerly.

Second graders still volunteer ideas freely.

By middle school, students often measure their words before speaking.

By high school, some have gone quiet altogether.

Somewhere along the way, many children learn that shining can be risky.

They learn that being “too much” is unsafe. That asking too many questions is inconvenient. That standing out can lead to correction instead of celebration.

Not intentionally. Not maliciously. But gradually.

In small moments.

A comment that prioritizes neatness over creativity.

A grading system that rewards compliance more than curiosity.

A classroom culture that values speed over thoughtfulness.

And slowly, the shine dims.

Visibility, Solidarity, and Integrity

Leadership is not about shining alone — it’s about creating conditions where others can glow.

Leadership visibility without solidarity becomes ego.

Solidarity without integrity becomes performance.

Integrity without courage becomes silence.

The leadership our schools need demands all three.

We need leaders who are visible enough to challenge systems, grounded enough to remain student-centered, and secure enough to amplify others rather than compete with them.

And that work doesn’t start in boardrooms.

It starts in hallways. In classrooms. In micro-interactions.

In whether a student’s bold idea is affirmed or redirected.

In whether we respond to emotion with control or curiosity.

In whether we treat compliance as the goal — or belonging.

Maybe the Real Goal

Watching my daughter sing “Golden,” I don’t see ambition.

I see alignment.

She believes she was born to shine because no one has taught her otherwise yet.

And maybe that’s the point.

Maybe the real goal is this: To build schools — and lives — where our kids never have to unlearn their shine in the first place.

Not because we inflate them.

Not because we avoid standards.

But because we build environments where curiosity is protected, voice is welcomed, and identity is affirmed.

Where brilliance isn’t filtered through conformity.

Where leadership isn’t reserved for the loudest.

Where integrity isn’t punished.

If we do that well, perhaps the next generation won’t spend years reclaiming something they once sang effortlessly in the back seat of a car.

They’ll simply grow into it.

And maybe that’s the most golden outcome of all.

Practical Ways School Leaders Can Protect Students’ Shine

Audit for Compliance Bias
Look closely at what gets rewarded in your classrooms. Are students primarily praised for neatness, speed, and quiet behavior — or for curiosity, risk-taking, and thoughtful questioning? Small language shifts change culture over time.
Normalize Voice Early and Often
Build predictable structures for student voice — advisory circles, student panels, classroom discussion protocols, and feedback loops. Shine doesn’t grow in silence. It grows where expression is expected.
Respond to Boldness with Curiosity
When a student challenges an idea or pushes back, pause before correcting. Ask, “Tell me more.” The goal isn’t to eliminate boundaries — it’s to ensure assertiveness isn’t mistaken for defiance.
Model Visible Integrity
Students watch how adults navigate disagreement. When leaders respectfully challenge systems, admit mistakes, and stand firm in values, they demonstrate that shining and belonging are not mutually exclusive.
Protect Joy
Joy is not fluff. It is fuel. Classrooms that make room for humor, creativity, music, storytelling, and celebration send a powerful message: You are allowed to be fully yourself here.

We cannot control every message students receive from the world.

But inside our schools, we can decide whether we dim, direct, or defend their light.

And if we choose wisely, maybe they won’t have to spend adulthood relearning what they once sang so effortlessly:

“I’m shining like I’m born to be.”

Tim Montalvo is assistant principal at Fox Lane Middle School in Bedford, New York, and an adjunct at Iona University and the College of Westchester, where he teaches education and psychology courses. His passions include instructional equity, scaffolding, and supporting English learners experiencing an interruption in their education. He is publishing Belonging Before Behavior this summer through The Worthy Educator Press. You can contact Tim via email here.