Walter McKenzie is a career educator, lifelong learner, co-founder of The Worthy Educator and a champion for mid-to-late career educators. You can learn more and connect with him at waltermckenzie.com.
Self-care isn’t setting the table for one. Why bother? Cooking for one is never easy, and the cleanup is always more work. No, self-care occurs within the context of caring for others.
I work with thousands of amazing educators who model lives of grace and compassion. Leading by example, they cannot be sure where their path leads; life is uncertain and there are no guarantees. But they are well-grounded in their values, and it shows in how they care for themselves and others. Of course, everyone finds their own way, and not everyone's journey is so easy.
There was a group we used to refer to as the “middle school lunch table” because of the ways they handled themselves. We could predict when we would hear from them. It was always about the ask, and the ask was always about them. Like knowing parents, we handled them in ways that managed their behaviors towards what was in everyone’s best interests, whether they realized it or not (I’m certain they often walked away scratching their heads).
What truly stuck with me, though, are the times I received calls from those who were hurt, in tears because of the ways they were treated. It was cruel how they would go after one another thinking the only way to get ahead was climbing over each other. Again, my parenting instincts would kick in and I would help the injured party work through their upset and refocus on what was best for them. They got back on their feet and moved forward, of course, but it was sad and unnecessary...disappointing and even heartbreaking to watch.
When you're sitting at the middle school lunch table, you lose sight of yourself. Everyone is trying to be the center of attention. The noise. The distractions. The carelessness. There’s a lot flying around. And if you’re on lunch duty, you can’t help but notice that the more ridiculous the participant behavior, the more sure they are of themselves. They aren't concerned with the repercussions for anyone else.
Thankfully, lunch duty rotation eventually lets the adults off the hook. But the poor souls at that lunch table keep coming back. I mean, you've got to eat? Right? Sure. Just choose to eat at a different table. Sit where there's:
- Sharing, not competing.
- Receiving, not dominating.
- Celebrating, not complaining.
- Caring, not backstabbing.
Lunch (and life) can be so much easier when we reframe our choices!
As a young man I was told the story of two different banquets. It’s a popular tale told in many cultures. At both banquets, the dinner guests are seated with eating utensils so large that it makes it impossible for them to feed themselves. In the one setting, everyone goes hungry, full of frustration and resentment because they cannot manipulate the forks and spoons to bring food to their mouths. In the other setting, they use the long implements to feed one another across the table so that everyone is filled with good food and gratitude.
Yes, this is simple in its ancient wisdom, but it’s also great insight into what self-care looks like as a communal practice, setting everyone at the table up to enjoy successful, fulfilling, healthy, happy lives.
We cannot practice self-care living selfishly. Greed is voracious, consuming everything it sees. And when it’s done devouring everything else, it comes for us.
The good news is we can make changes. Here are some ways to set your table for self-care:
1. Choose your table wisely.
2. Be intentional with whom you sit
3. Treat others with caring and consideration
4. Give yourself that same level of care you give to others.
Self-care is self-love. With practice it becomes habitual; the caring you practice towards others becomes the caring you afford yourself.
Me? I no longer have middle school lunch duty. I thoughtfully choose to work with people who are well-grounded in their values and prioritize relationships over self-gratification. It makes everything so much easier, especially my own self-care. I'm healthier than I have ever been: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and I have the results to prove it.
Lesson learned: the way I set my table gives me my current quality of life.
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