Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide

Blindside

You set your professional goals.  You completed the program and the requirements.  You sought out mentors and people who could provide you with advice and guidance.  You started applying for jobs.

Then the unexpected happens.

You are blindsided by people you thought you could trust as you are learning how to make the next steps.

You are given poor advice and take it, even when you know your gut tells you otherwise.

You are in the anxiety spiral more than once as your belief in who you are changes and your confidence diminishes. 

You are left with doubts about your pathway.

You are left with unrelenting anxiety.

Your internal monologue shifts, and you are left with “I don’t know why I’m doing this.”  “Why did you make this choice?  Who do you think you are?”

And just like that, you have decided that you are giving up leadership goals that you set for yourself.  You blame yourself for wanting more or better.  You decide that this pathway is not, and was never, right for you.

You give up on yourself.

Retrospect

2 years ago, I was faced with professional circumstances that I was not anticipating.  I was in a leadership program that I was excited to be a part of, and I was learning so much about myself and how to be a better leader. 

One day, my circumstances shifted.  I had crafted this very beautiful checklist that aligned with a timeline, but neither the checklist nor the timeline fit with the way I envisioned my outcome.  This left me confused, and I struggled to process and deal with the sense of betrayal I felt and grieving a situation that no longer existed the way that I saw it in my head.

I didn’t know what to do, and the overwhelming emotions I felt left me feeling isolated, misunderstood, and dented.  Not bent. Not broken.  Dented.

No one that I knew was experiencing, or had experienced, a situation like mine.  This left me feeling isolated and without community.  Although the people I trusted the most stood by me and offered me empathy, my situation was unique to me, and I had no idea what to do.

This situation was not a setback.  My authority was undermined.  My ability and confidence in doing my job diminished, and my capacity to be of service to others was significantly reduced.

Not bent. Not broken.  Dented.

When something is dented, it can function normally. A dented car will still perform as expected.  A dented canned good will still hold the contents within the can.  The integrity in completing the role it was assigned is intact.  But we all know what happens when we see the dent.

The car’s value has diminished. The can will be bypassed for a dent-free can.  Although what’s on the inside functions as it used to, the way that the car and can are perceived changes.  The value attached to the car and canned goods changes. What happens when the object is a whole person, and the person is now contending with the perceived value that overtakes the confidence that used to be firmly a part of who they were?  “I thought I was good at my job.  I am wrong.”

Values

One exercise that The Worthy Educator engages participants in is outlining our values.  I understood the importance of the exercise in guiding our path, but I never associated outlining my values with overcoming large professional hurdles.  Once I understood my values and how they show up in my life, I realized I was in a room, but not the right one.  Where I stood was not conducive to the journey I wanted to be on.  I would probably end up in a leadership position, but I probably wouldn’t feel proud of what I accomplished.  Ultimately, what I felt would not be pride but rather disconnection. 

Setting values created an awareness in me that helped me find the right room.  Although it didn’t look like the one I thought I would occupy, the room feels right. Every day, I arrive in this room as my whole self.

If you find that nothing appears to be going as intended within your own journey and/or that you become sidetracked in a situation that makes you question everything you understood about yourself, I encourage you to revisit your values as a way to recalibrate or adjust yourself to the circumstance you’re in. Trust that in time, as your consciousness builds, the dent will smooth out, and your confidence will be restored.

Deanna (DEE-nah) Lough is a Worthy Educator Champion in Education, a clear voice advocating for the profession, for students, and for herself.

She is a Special Education English Language Arts Teacher at George V. Kirk Middle School in Newark, Delaware and a leader in every role she undertakes. Want to get in touch and continue the conversation? You can connect with Deanna via email here!

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