A skilled backhand is an asset in tennis. Not so much in education. Especially when it’s a compliment. And the biggest backhanded compliment in the business is, “you do good work, here’s more”! When we’re hungry for validation, it’s a welcome pat on the back. But at some point we get tired and start feeling put upon. “Why am I working harder than everyone else?”
It’s not so much we don’t like the work or we can’t do it. It’s the smack of a backhanded compliment, the insult to one’s intelligence. Once we’re confronted with it, how do we respond?
-Say no
-Give it less attention and effort
-Miss a deadline
-Make excuses
-Change the subject
-Do a song and dance
-Throw a tantrum
-Smack back
-File a complaint
-Quit
"wait…WHAT? That escalated quickly!"
Let’s backtrack.
The answer to the insidious backhanded compliment is to have boundaries in place before it is proffered. Don’t bargain. Don’t react after the fact. There’s no medal for picking up the slack, and no compensation for the exasperation.
What’s the reward for plainly, politely declining? Respect. Theirs and yours. No explanations. No apologies. Just a matter of fact, “thanks, but no”.
Need more incentive? Once they know you’re not receptive, it stops. They’ll keep their compliments and you’ll keep your sense of self. One way or another the work still gets done.
So we’re back to option one. Say “No”. Join the world where no one does anything they don’t want to do. It's not selfish. It's self-care.
That won’t work in your organization, you say? Maybe you’re working for the wrong people. Self-care is as easy or as hard as you make it.
So do yourself a solid, because life is too short, and research suggests martyrdom makes it even shorter. You can start today. Right this very minute. Make different choices and reward yourself with a better quality of life.
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